Reflection
by Lorr
Summary: This is a brief tag for Vengeance and Sunday, with a minor reference to Submersion. Major spoilers herein.


**Title:** Reflection

**Author:** Lorr

**Genre/Rating:** Drama

**Characters:** Sheppard, McKay, Teyla, Ronon

**Disclaimer:** SGA belongs to other people that are not me. I'm just visiting again.

**Spoilers:** Tag for Vengeance, with a little Sunday and Submersion thrown in

**Note:** This takes place immediately after Vengeance

Sheppard stayed in Gate Ops to talk to Caldwell while the rest of his team headed to the infirmary. When they finished, Elizabeth sent him off to get checked over, too. She saw he was moving stiffly and a bruise was beginning to show under the right sleeve of his shirt.

----------

The casual observer wouldn't have seen it. Only someone watching closely would have noticed. But, if they did see it, they just might have understood. The Colonel hesitated and his eyes clouded ever so briefly as he entered. This was not his first trip to the infirmary since the day Beckett died. As much as he disliked coming here before that day, it was always good to see the gentle Scot.

Sheppard was actually relieved Beckett wasn't here today. He would have been devastated to learn that his work with the retrovirus had led to the deaths of the Taranians, people the Atlantis team worked so hard to save just a few months before.

He looked at the Doctor standing near Ronon, entering notes into his chart. It should be Beckett, would have been Beckett if only he had been able to get onto the infirmary level. If only. How many times had Sheppard thought that in recent weeks? How many times since arriving in Pegasus?

His mind flashed back to the corridor where Beckett died that Sunday afternoon. He and Ronon took the detail of retrieving the Doctor's remains, and those of the bomb disposal technician. Sheppard refused all other offers of assistance. Even McKay yielded without argument when he saw the Colonel's face. They worked until the early hours of the next morning, carefully searching the area.

They found precious little of the technician. The blast, powerful enough to damage the strong walls of the City, obliterated almost all trace of the young man. Even the heavy protective vest and helmet he wore were nearly destroyed. Beckett, however, was able to get some way from the center of the explosion. Little was recognizable as human, though, which made the work only slightly more tolerable.

Sheppard and Ronon had seen and smelled death many times in their lives, but they both knew this would never pass from them. They worked silently, unable to find words or voice. While they were working they were able to take a small step outside of the pain. They were doing something. But, when there was nothing more to find, that tiny space of removal disappeared. The pain closed in again.

Only essential staff were allowed to stay on the floor, so there were few onlookers to be seen when Sheppard and Ronon left the blast area, and they were discreet. Elizabeth, McKay and Lorne were the only non-medical people waiting in the main area of the infirmary when they brought in the two body bags on gurneys. The Major tapped his ear transceiver and spoke softly. Seconds later, four Marines entered the room, walking almost too quietly to hear. They stood at attention just inside the door.

"Colonel, Ronon, we'll take good care of them." Lorne spoke softly, hoping the two men would relinquish responsibility now.

Sheppard looked around at them then nodded. He touched both gurneys in turn. "This is Carson, and this is Jeff Thompson."

"Colonel?"

Sheppard jerked back to the present to see Dr. Cole approaching him. He glanced at his team, each with one or two people checking them over. "How are they?"

"Ronon has a couple of cracked ribs, a sprained wrist, bruises and abrasions. The cut on Dr. McKay's cheek is not serious and will heal nicely. Both he and Teyla have a few bruises and abrasions. We've taken blood samples. It'll take a while to get the results, but I think they'll be fine." She paused, studying him. "Now it's your turn, Sir."

"Debrief at oh-eight-hundred, Kids. Get some sleep." Sheppard announced to his team as he followed the Doctor past them. He could see on their faces that there was at least a little relief at the delay. They were visibly exhausted.

Thirty minutes later, Sheppard wanted nothing more than to get out of that place. The adrenalin rush was long gone, leaving him ragged. Cole was a very competent physician and a pleasant enough person, but he missed Beckett more than he would have thought possible.

"Thank you, Colonel." Cole stuffed her stethoscope into a pocket. "I think we're all done."

He took a deep breath as he pulled his t-shirt on. "What's the verdict?"

"Some serious bruises, minor cuts and abrasions. I'm quite surprised nothing's cracked or broken. It looks like you took quite a beating." The large bruise running from left shoulder to hip on his back was looking particularly painful. Knowing a little of what they had been through from McKay, she tried to inject some humor. "You really need to find nicer friends to play with."

He looked at her sideways then chuckled. "Yeah. Well, if you don't need me anymore?"

"No, not right now. I want you to take it easy for several days. Okay?" She waited until he nodded. "If you feel anything is…"

"I know. I'll come back."

"Thank you, Colonel. Now, I know it's been a long day for you. I want you to get some sleep."

"Sure." He slid off the exam table.

"I mean it. Bed. Now."

Sheppard didn't want to argue, so he bowed his head in submission. "Yes, Dr. Cole. But, can I get something to eat first?"

"Yes, of course." She smiled indulgently. "Do you want something to help you sleep or for the pain?"

"Nah. I'm good. Thanks." He walked out with a slight limp.

----------

Sheppard picked up a sandwich in the mess hall and headed for his quarters, grateful for the mostly deserted corridors. He dropped the prepackaged food on his desk and stared at it for several seconds. The hunger he felt in the infirmary suddenly disappeared. Instead of eating, he pulled off his boots and clothes and walked into the bathroom.

Knowing what it would show him, Sheppard bypassed the mirror and stepped into the shower. The hot water eased aching muscles even though it stung the cuts and scrapes. He leaned on his forearms against the wall under the stream of water for a long time, trying to empty his mind. He wanted to wipe the last few weeks for just a little while, just one night.

He finally turned the water off and toweled himself dry, still avoiding the mirror. Sheppard dressed in the lightweight cotton pants he used for sleeping and lay down on the bed. The lights dimmed to nothing.

----------

_The corridor was dark and damp. The light from his P-90 barely illuminated a few feet in front of him. Something trickled down the walls, creating pools of black liquid on the floor. He could smell something not quite identifiable yet familiar._

"_McKay?" Sheppard dare not speak too loudly. He waited a couple of seconds for a reply. "Teyla? Ronon?"_

_He continued, walking as quietly as he could. The lifesigns detector showed nothing, not even himself. The area had to be shielded. He tucked the device into his vest, wanting both hands free. The darkness and silence were oppressive. He felt a cold sluggishness seeping into his whole being. It felt like he was trying to walk under frigid water._

_A door creaked open ahead. He swung his light up and down the corridor before turning into the doorway. He froze. Inside were bodies. There were so many bodies. Some were shriveled, dry husks, drained by Wraith. Others appeared to be just dead. Then, he heard and saw them. Iratus bugs were moving on many of the bodies. They had finished feeding and were looking for new victims._

_Sheppard began to back out of the room when his light fell onto…oh, God. It was McKay and Ronon, eyes open, sightless. He choked back a scream. Only the bloodied marks on their necks gave any indication of how they died. He stepped forward again, but the bugs were beginning to move in his direction. He quickly searched the room for Teyla. She wasn't there. Maybe she was still alive. Maybe._

_He backed out and closed the door, locking the bugs inside. Sheppard leaned against wall to try to slow his heart and breathing. Then, he heard, no, felt it. He turned his head to see a shadowy figure in the wash of the light. Too tall. He quickly turned the P-90 to see the Queen._

"_You're dead." His throat was so constricted, it was barely a whisper._

"_As you can see, Col. Sheppard, you are quite wrong." She smiled and stepped aside to reveal Michael holding Teyla by the throat in front of him. The young Athosian's eyes were wide with fear._

_Sheppard felt his heart go into overdrive. He tried to pull the trigger on the P-90, but the Queen was clawing into his mind again, freezing his muscles. She walked forward, her hand outstretched. Sheppard could feel her influence force his finger from the trigger and the weapon begin to lower. As the light moved, he saw Michael place his hand over Teyla's heart and begin to feed._

----------

Every light in his quarters came on full as Sheppard sat up, gulping air like a drowning man. He was soaked with sweat and his heart was pounding fast. He blinked against the brightness as he looked around the room. The lights dimmed to a more comfortable level as he swung his feet off the bed and onto the floor. He buried his face in shaking hands.

This was the cruel part of memory. The painful, horrible events of life could replay over and over just as easily as the good. They could get muddled together late at night creating nightmares that would scare even Stephen King spitless. His life had more than it's fair share of memories that anyone would like to forget, or, better yet, wish not to have at all. But, the last few weeks were in a class of their own.

He quickly changed into running gear, looped the transceiver over his ear and left his room carrying only a bottle of water. Sheppard knew the habits of the people in Atlantis well enough to avoid almost everyone. Only security patrols saw him and thought little of it. They were used to late night runs by the CO.

Tonight, Sheppard moved a little slower than normal. The skirmishes with the super bugs left him stiff and sore. He knew he shouldn't be doing this, but he didn't want to sleep right now and he couldn't sit still. And, he definitely didn't want to talk about it. Not yet. He had to process it, compartmentalize it, make it safe to think about.

He could usually empty his mind while running. It was a refuge that helped him to clear out the crap and think through it on a subconscious level. The last few of weeks were taking a lot of running to work through. Today added a couple hundred miles to the total, he thought ironically. On top of that, Heightmeyer was definitely going to want several sessions with him.

Sheppard alternately ran and jogged for more than an hour before finding himself near his quarters again. He slowed as he approached the door and glanced at his watch. Only oh-one-hundred hours. The worsening pain in his shoulder and hip, hell, everywhere, ruled out more running.

"Evening, Sir." A passing Marine jolted Sheppard out of his thoughts.

"Lieutenant." The door opened as he nodded at the young man then he stepped in. Damn.

The Colonel quickly showered, dressed and left his quarters again, picking up a magazine on the way out. The sandwich on his desk was unappetizing so he made his way to the mess hall. He needed coffee and something to eat, and having something to read might deter casual conversation. He poured a cup of coffee and picked up a piece of coffee cake. When he turned to find an empty table, he heard a familiar voice.

"Sheppard?" Ronon frowned over Teyla's head. She turned around in her chair to look at him.

McKay leaned sideways to look around her. "What are you doing here?"

Sheppard studied their faces as he approached the table. The haunted expression was in their eyes. He knew that expression was in his own even though he hadn't looked in the mirror since their return.

"Same reason you are."

The End


End file.
